To quote The Byrds, “To everything there is a season”. This is also true with marriage. You meet, you fall in love, a relationship develops, you get married, maybe you have children and then, a few years down the line, you realize the person you married is not the person they were when you met them and quite frankly, neither are you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just a fact of life, the key is whether the differences that have developed are able to be overcome or are they too significant that you and your spouse both need to move on with your respective lives. If the latter is the case, it’s beneficial to think of the end of your marriage as a type of death and as such, you’ll need to go through some significant stages before you reach acceptance. Learn more about the connection of grieving and divorce.
The Stages of Grieving and Divorce
While death and divorce are different experiences both can involve a profound sense of loss and trigger the stages of grief that noted psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, originally outlined in her model for processing terminal illness and bereavement.
Death represents the loss of a loved one; there is no possibility or reconciliation or change in a relationship, grief is tied to physical absence and mortality; divorce, however, represents the end of a relationship as it was known but not necessarily the complete absence of the person, especially if children are involved. It involves mourning the loss of the marriage, the shared dreams and often the identity of being tied to a spouse. Both can feel like a death of sorts. Death of a relationship, death of future plans or death of the version of self you have created. In many ways death of a marriage is the start of a new chapter of one’s life.
As per Dr. Ross, there are several stages of grieving; they are as follows:
- Denial, “this isn’t happening”: In death, a person feels numb and thinks their departed may walk through the door at any minute. In divorce, someone may believe it’s just a rough patch, “they’ll change their mind”, “we’ll get back together”. Denial gives us a shield to protect ourselves, to prevent us from going into complete emotional overload—it is perfectly natural.
- Anger, “why this”: In death anger may be directed by a horrific accident or nature. In divorce, anger also turns towards the spouse, “how could they betray me”, “why am I so stupid for not seeing this”. Anger is painful but it also allows us to shape the hurt and push us to seek changes.
- Bargaining, “If only”: With death, people say “what if”. “What If I had been there”, “What if I had driven to the grocery store today, maybe this would be all different”. In divorce, bargaining is the rational of attempts to save the marriage, “if I change, maybe he/she’ll stay”, “If we try counseling, things will go back to normal”. Bargaining reflects the desperate wish to gain control over what is “uncontrollable”.
- Depression: In death, the permanence of loss sinks in, bringing sadness and depression and generally loneliness. In divorce, the reality that this is inevitable, we not only lose our partner but our family unit, our routine, the future that we once relied upon. It sounds very sad, however, this stage once we go through it, will allow for healing to begin.
- Acceptance, “Well this is what it is now”: In death, acceptance means learning to live without your loved one. In divorce, acceptance is acknowledging that your marriage is over, letting go of the resentment, discovering independence, finding new friends and redefining yourself. It’s about finding “inner peace” and perspective.
How a family attorney can help
Both death and divorce can plunge us into deep grief. Comparing death to divorce isn’t minimizing one’s loss against the other, it is recognizing that both involve grief and that both should make us recognize that we deserve compassion—compassion for your ex, and compassion for ourselves and those around us.
If you’re going through a divorce, allow yourself to grieve as fully as if it were a death. Grief is not necessarily the same for everyone, it will come in waves, at different times for different people, as will healing.
Keep this in mind—your divorce may be the end of your marriage, but it doesn’t end your life or your future. Reshape your life, maybe not as it has been, but in new, more meaningful ways. Never give up hope and proceed forward knowing that you will get through this. It’s only when we don’t fully accept the process and get stunted in any one of the stages that we will be unable to do so.
Our Family Law Group offers sophisticated and personalized family law services. With an award-winning reputation for effective, practical, and compassionate advocacy, we provide dedicated legal guidance and personalized attention, helping our clients successfully navigate divorce and more.
